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I'm tired of everyone thinking they can take advantage of me. I'm not stupid or ignorant. I know EXACTLY what's going on in the situations where I've put myself, and I must say, I'm far from impressed. With every excuse; every lie I'm told my heart breaks a little bit more. Pretty soon, all that will be left is a few fragments here and there. I'm tired of giving and giving and not even receiving a single "Thank you."



I play the part of the fool very well, but I find myself un-capable of hiding the hurt in my eyes any longer. All it takes is one look. Everyone gets a free-bee with me. Everyone. But this time I let myself give far too much. How many times were there, and how many more times will there be before realization sinks in. Will it be too late? Will I be an empty shell? I'm tired of being lied to.



I've found myself in a circus. A freak show, if you will. I gave up what I was, and though I'm not complaining about that, I do wish that more time and care had been taken into creating me. I'm dancing the oddest tango I've ever danced, and I'm getting dizzy. My world is spinning out of control and I feel as though I can't stop it. My dreams are shattering before my eyes. Reality is sinking in. I was told that I wasn't who I was thought to be. Well, they aren't either.



"Do unto others". I haven't done anything wrong. Why am I being punished? Is it the curse of the Empath? Why are these seeds planted in everyone but me? What makes them so Goddamn special? Ah, that's right. They have something coveted. I thought I was capable of having one too. I was lead to believe that I was capable. I was blind folded by somebody I trusted. They lead me by the hand down a road I never thought existed. They took me by all their good and bad deeds. The lead me to believe I was loved. Then I was placed in a corner and they went and planted seeds. They didn't realize that the blindfold had fallen off. I saw everything happen right before my eyes.



I grinned and bared it. I even went as far as allowing myself to be used as a convenient source of food. I thought I was more than that, but I was very, very wrong. I'm not good enough for anything more than being used. A tissue. Disposable. I know every lie I've been told, and I know what the true feelings are. I'm an Empath. It's my guide, gift and curse.



I think I've been living a lie.

Being depressed

Being ignored

Rejection

Wanting to be someone else

Not being enough

Escaping reality b/c it hurts

Coming back to reality b/c it hurts so much more

Sitting around waiting for shit to happen

Having my worst fears confirmed

Sleeping alone

Wearing masks

Who I am

Waiting for my phone to ring, but knowing it won't

White walls

Crying

Being uncertain



Me.

Yes... the title was inspired by (and completely stolen from) Shin-chan. This is what I do at this time of night on Thursdays. Who the fuck am I kidding? This is what I do every day of the fucking week. God, I hardly sleep.



So today was mostly uneventful. I got home from school to watch Sailor Moon on YouTube and eat two left over slices of pizza. Zomg, yum. Then, I took a nap (completely inspired by someone else, but hey, it's what I do, apparently) only to have a rather vivid and realistic dream. *smirks* Yes.



I woke up around 7pm, had dinner at around 8 and left for Hard Knocks at around 9. I looked uber cute too, if I do say so myself. I mean, I wore the same thing I wore to school (black shirt, jeans, awesome jacket) but I did my hair differently and wore a hat! Yay! Lol. Of course, all of this lost its effect after I smashed my head into the frame of my rapist van as I was getting in. *sighs* Once a klutz, always a klutz, eh?



Hard Knocks was fun, as usual. The girls and I played guitar hero pretty much the entire time, then a friend and I went outside so that I could relay some messages to her. All in all, we had fun. After, we took the party to one of my best friend's house where we looked at fanart online.



I got home about an hour-ish ago, and I'm currently watching Shin-chan. I finally got my myspace to work (after a day of stupidness) only to realize that I could have simply checked my email to see if I had any new anythings. *sighs*



I think it's time I cuddle with my dog before I put her in her crate.



Ciao.

Your life now can be described by A Whole New World, from Aladdin

You love adventure and experiencing new things. With an optimistic and curious nature, you are not afraid of trying new things or putting yourself into challenging situations. You have a creative mind and are able to see things from a very different point of view than most people. People enjoy being with you because you can make them see the world in a different, more positive way. You have a very free spirit and you do not like taking orders. You may have recently found your true love (whether that be a person or your calling) and have reached new heights. You feel nothing can go wrong now, but be careful not to fall off the magic carpet.





I'm Belle.

You are the people princess, able to identify with all those around you. You are brave, independent and harbor no ill will towards any human beings or inanimate objects. Your level of compassion for others allows you to see beyond their physical exterior to the inner beauty within. Your true love, albeit hunky, will only reveal himself in due time. You're Belle!



You have an Innocent Smile!

Sweet and naïve, you have a smile that is full of genuine happiness. You have a pure heart and when you smile, you mean it and everyone around you knows you do. People are attracted to your sweetness and sincerity, and find your company refreshing and enjoyable. With your open and non-judgmental smile and personality, you will often find people confiding in you.





Yeah, I'm bored.

My life seems to be ruled by a few things these days. Music, video games, my phone, friends, and my imagination.



To sum my life up, I'm happy. I'm doing what I need to do in order to better myself. I'm living my life the way I want to, (though not as fully as I will be once I move out). I have time to take notice of all the beauty around me.



I truly feel like a free spirit.



Now, b/c my mind is currently unable to not vomit my thoughts out onto the page, I have to inform everyone that my license plate was stolen on friday. Er... either stolen or it decided it didn't want to be associated with the rapist van, grew legs, and ran away. So... I'm pretty much only going to be driving to school and back, starting on tuesday, until dad's able to get the info I need up to me so that I can get new tags.



Joy.

I initially woke up this morning to my mother telling me that I *HAD* to see something. This was at around 9 in the morning (a rather un-Godly hour for a college student, especially for one who is already horribly sleep deprived). Though I'm not particularly fond of getting up to look outside before my body is telling me to get up or piss my bed, I am glad I got to see it. It looked as though my large town/tiny city had been put up on a cloud. All you could see was the occasional tree in the distance. So, after freezing my ass off (b/c I seem incapable of not freezing EVER) too look at the awe-ness that was my front yard, I went back to sleep to dream that I vamped out on some poor unsuspecting closed minded Southern Baptist. Upon seeing my eyes change colors and my fangs drop, she proceeded to try and call me all sorts of devil related names. My sire was sitting in a chair somewhat to the side of all of this simply smirking. But what any of this has to do with what I was previously talking about, I have no idea.



So, I woke up from my delicious dream to find that the fog, though significantly gone, was still twittling around. The sky was overcast (as it has been these past few days. I love it. No sun. Wonderful.) and there was a slight fall in Florida/ spring in Ireland (b/c I'm SOOOO qualified to say that) feel to the day. My mother mentioned it when I went to eat breakfast. I agreed with her that it was an interesting day, but that in MY OPINION it was also a gorgeous day. She did not like my choice of words and proceeded to tell me that I was wrong. She then started with her usual "you need to get some sun. Even goths like to get sun!!" *she says this b/c I'm gothic and I hate the sun* Apparently, my skin is too pale for her liking. It is my firm belief that she would like nothing more than to tie me to a lawn chair and throw me into the back yard on a sunny day and just leave me there until I've completely burnt to a crisp. She does not realize that that act would cause me to blotch up, get sick and die. I'm on the verge of telling her that I am a vampyre, but in a way that she wouldn't really believe me (b/c if she did, she'd send me away and have me locked up in some sort of demon expelling Jesus camp for the deranged.)



Yes. Fun.

I just got back from one of my best friend's house. Hard Knocks was not as fun as it usually was, for reasons which I do not wish to discuss. My throat is dry and hurting, my neck needs to crack but won't, and to top it off, I've just discovered that I have to pee.



If you are a gamer, I suggest you youtube or google "zero punctuation". You will appreciate what this Australian (perhaps) game critic has to say.



Ok, now on to more important issues. My day was ok. I blogged earlier about playing on the Super Nintendo. I did, for a while, then I let my brothers play on it. I was their personal "I've tried beating this level 5 times and I just want to blow my brains out, you do it" Nikki. Hm... seeing as I've jumped and skipped around the wonderful finished games my uncles left for me, I was more than qualified to beat a level for them. So long as my nails didn't get in the way. Apparently, using the Super Nintendo controllers is incredibly difficult when you're razor blade sharp nails wish to push buttons that make you do just the opposite of what you were intending in the first place. *sighs* After a bit, all I wanted to do was gouge Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong's eyes out with either a mushroom or a banana (depending on which character I was working on).



I have also decided that I will only ever stick to muffins (..what??? No idea where that one came from, guys, sorry!) Ahem... **piano playing and singing when I'm not surrounded by people I don't know. I will also play guitar hero. Rock band can kiss my big Cuban ass then go fuck itself with the microphone and drum sticks. Repeatedly.



Fucking kangaroos.



So, I've been creating a rather jumbled book of shadows. It's a Wiccan BoS and Vampyric BoS mixed with a bit of random journaling. When I'm done with it, it's going to look like something out of the mind of a Schizophrenic. Hm. Fun. My children are going to find it stashed away somewhere someday and go, "Fuck. Mom was CRAZY when she was younger!" Their father will probably agree with them.



I'm just cool that way.



I kind of feel like my ring finger nails are breaking, but they're not. I'm just not used to having long nails. After they became this sharp (haha! The word 'this' can be rearranged to spell 'shit') I kept them short for fear of accidently shanking myself with them. Again. Of course,... NVM. That thought just went right out the window.



I've been writting this blog for the past 20 minutes and I hardly feel I've gotten anywhere with it. And I know who's been reading my journal entries. I'm not stupid, so please stop perceiving me as such.



And I still have to pee. Because that was information you were all dying to know.



Peace, love, and chicken grease!

Hm... Yes. In a wave of nostalgia I've whipped out my Super Nintendo and started playing my old games of sweetness. Seriously! Super Mario World, Donkey Kong (1 and 2 only b/c 3 was really kinda stupid) and other various games. God I missed it. This is what I had to play on before the time of the PlayStation. I remember sitting in my uncle's room playing these games when I was like 5 and 6. Then after the PS came out, my uncle gave me the Super Nintendo. How amazing of an uncle do I have?!



Wow... Yeah. So that wasn't random at all... I'm in a really bouncy mood. Like I kinda wanna read, play video games, take pics, and sleep at the same time. I'm just awesome that way.



I don't really have too much to say, I'm just wasting time for the sheer pleasure of wasting my time. I want to play oblivion. Badly. And Sims2 on the comp (b/c on the PS2 it just kinda sucks major monkey ass) and run around naked like the Pagan child I am. Dude, what?? I'm not too sure where that came from. I'm gonna go play video games now.



*evaporates into a vampyric fog cloud of randomness*

COMMENTS

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Pwyll
19:49 Jan 17 2008

LMOA funny!

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POST COMMENT

Yeah... so, my second semester of college started on monday. Joy... Actually, it's not gonna be that bad. I don't have math this semester, so YAY, and I have two classes with one of my best friends. Woot.



I now officially need to get off my hot lazy Cuban ass and go job hunting. Yep, that's right! I finally quite (Haha. **quit is what I meant to say.) Kohl's! Woooo!! It's not that I minded it so much back there (and by back there, I mean Costumer Service), but they expected me to put them before my education. Actually, they expected me to put them before life. Hm... I'm gonna have to go with no. Thus, my search for a job continues once again.



Since I'm back at mom's I don't sense her as much (probably since she doesn't like it here. *sighs*) but she still makes sure I know she comes and visits. Like yesterday, for example. She, being a perfect blend of mother and father and thus being a pain in the ass jokester (whom I adore), drained all the battery on my ipod. After I got to my first class that day, I turned my ipod off and locked it so that my purse didn't press any random buttons and end up doing just what my wonderful girl did... drain the batteries. So, because this isn't the first time she's done it (only the first time I've been able to put two and two together), I checked it and made sure that it was both off, and locked. It was. I didn't touch it again that day. Then, later on at my best friend's house, I heard music blareing from my purse. I also can't spell blareing, so forgive me. When I checked my ipod, I found that it was unlocked and playing. *sighs*



It's weird not having her around me constantly. I got so used to her presence that now I almost feel as though I've left her somewhere else. I mean, I know where she spends most of her time, but it's hard not feeling her crawl into bed with me and sleep, or hear hear call or me, or just hear her playing...



But, that aside, I think I might just go take a small nap. My body's still recuperating from the shock of having to get up at the ass crack of dawn (or at least my version of the ass crack of dawn.).

I'm confused, hurt, hopeful, distressed, worried. But I'm also excited, calm, comfy, relaxed, and (not surprisingly) hungry.



I keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I feel so exposed. I'm still discovering my strengths, and my weeknesses are weighing down on me in an extrodinarily harsh way. My instincts tell me that I'm doing the right thing; that I'm on track, but my heart is wondering how much heartache it may have to endure. Around the beinging of December I had a reacuring dream. I know that what happend in my dream is mostly true, I'm just waiting for my life to play out... I'm scared.



I can sense her little spirit wandering around the house. She's already so much like me (well, I'd hope she's got some of me in her. Lol). She'll crawl into bed with me, lay on my chest, call for me, and play quietly just the way I used to. I'm still getting used to sensing her. When I first found out about her, I had hardly any idea when she was with me. Now I sense her all the time... almost. Luckily, I'm not the only one.



I've been changing slowly but surely. I'm getting used to always having my sunglasses with me. The freaking sun is a total bitch. God. It's times like this when I really hate living here in FL. Stupid bipolar state of death. Stupid sun. Stupid... stupid!



On a some what happy YAY note, I've lost a dress size. *exciement* Hm... I just got an odd craving for chocolate, apples, ramen, and eggs. *raises an eyebrow* Wtf, right? Whatev.



Hm... Yes. Well, I think I'm done bloging for now. I think I'm going to go play some video games since I have the big screen all to myself. *Big Kool-Aid smile*